BCOS OF PCOS

Firstly, thanks so much to all of you who have supported me with such words of kindness, even people I hardly know. Who says Malaysians are unfriendly?!

So I visited my gynae today. Bad news and good news, and since I've been so depressed lately, I'll start with the good news. I have no growths in my womb, so no uterine polyps (yay!) and I did not have a miscarriage (double yay! - I was more worried about this because - those who know me also know this - I am very emotional about these things). So no surgery is required, thank the Lord.

The bad news is, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which my gynae says happens to one woman in ten. The strange thing is three of my friends have PCOS, and now four, including me. I have been put on some kind of hormonal pills to regulate my ovulation for three months, after which we'll see if I'm ok. There is apparently no guarantee that it works, because apart from extreme stress and extreme starvation being linked to the cause of PCOS, there is no solid explanation why it happens.

PCOS, in simple terms, is when your eggs are stuck in your ovaries and cannot be released. During my ultrasound, Dr Kim found one of my ovaries being slightly larger than the other, which is one of the symptoms. I asked her what the worst case scenario is and she said that it may complicate matters if I want to have kids again *sniff*. But I have hope because two of my friends who had PCOS are now pregnant, so I'm not overly worried.

I don't want to worry too much now and I am taking it easy with my diet as well. I've thought about what I'd do if I'm not ever going to get pregnant again but Lokes has discouraged me from thinking too far ahead. At least we have Raeven, he says. I can't help feeling sorry for myself, wondering if it's something I'm doing or not doing that's causing this.

But you know what, I'm happier already knowing I don't have to go through surgery and don't have warts in my womb!

And that I have friends like all of you who have shown me so much support. Thanks so so much, you guys!

Well, back to work. The last week I've not been able to concentrate much due to this. Now I have a mountain of work piled up!

A PERIOD OF 13 DAYS

Today is day 13.

It may not be appropriate to discuss this with people I don't know but this IS my journal - and my only journal - maybe someone can shed some light on this.

I have been spotting for 13 days. This has never happened before and I'm seeing my gynae on Wednesday. Some research online has led me to believe that I have uterine polyps, which sounds horrible (and IS horrible because it's really warts in your womb). It's not terminal, but Lokes is worried and I am, but I don't want to think about it. I've had a relatively healthy life, obesity withstanding, up until now.

My mom, I found out years ago, had fibroid (not cystic fibrosis - *slap head* - thanks, Rach!) but she chose not to remove it because the doctor said it was better not to touch it since she was approaching menopause. Not that they are the same thing, although they happen in the same part of a woman's body (the womb, more specifically the endometrial layer), but I am a little worried coz Lokes and I are thinking of trying again end of this year. Minor surgery may be required, but I'm not sure.

Gosh, everything seems to be falling apart! Yesterday evening, I just felt like breaking down again and I quickly told Lokes, who managed to stop me, which I'm not sure is wise. Maybe it takes longer to get over these kinds of things.

I've never been so morbid before. Even when I found out I had Hepatitis B (got it from my mom) halfway when I was pregnant with Raeven. I did cry a bit, blaming my hapless mother, and then blaming myself for the possibility that I may inflict my child (not even sure if she is now, can only check when she's old enough to take a blood test). Yes, even through that I had simply told myself that I would need to live my life a little more now.

Anyone who knows me well, knows this. Happy, cheerful Jenn. The days I used to laugh like nobody's business seem so far away. Everything is so serious these days. I do my charity chuckles now and then but that's it.

Ivlynn was talking about being unsure this afternoon during lunch - unsure about getting married (now she's pregnant). It sounded fleeting but it stuck in my mind. I love being married and pregnant. But I don't like the money thoughts, the future-seeing, the career-weighing. All this thinking is just not good for me.

And I cant even start over again.

I'll ask Dr Kim to do a liver test for me as well on Wed, just to see if my Hep B is acting up.

Gosh, I am sick.